Monday, February 23, 2015

For the Days When I Want to Be Part of Something Big......But For All the Wrong Reasons

There are days when I want to be part of something big.......but for all the wrong reasons.
Today was one of those days.
Hubby and I had had a conversation about an upcoming church program.....
he'd asked my thoughts on a couple things.....
I caught him way off-guard with some things I'd been thinking about.....less than kindly, I might add.
I was curt, adamant, and leaning towards rude.
He very wisely walked away.
I sat with my back against our back wall and cried.

Why had I responded that way?
Why did I feel frustrated, irritated, and in despair?
It didn't take long for the answer to come bobbing to the surface.

While the life of a missionary mama might sound glamorous to some {in a completely spiritual way......because really, nobody that knows me would qualify me as glamorous!}, it is often the farthest thing from that.
Let's take today for instance: everyone got up late, I had breakfast to cook, the kiddos had a long list of chores after their Sunday without them, we needed to jump right into school work, and I had baskets of laundry that had to be washed by hand.
Maybe Mondays aren't a fair example.
Since lots of people have rough Mondays, let's look at yesterday then.
The last Sunday of the month is our split men's and women's Sunday School classes. I was really nervous about sharing my lesson, but I'd worked really hard to prepare what I thought would be a blessing to our ladies.
Almost none of them showed up.
Next up was children's church.
Almost none of my kids showed up there, either.
Sunday afternoon was okay, but we were rushing to get out the door for night church when my almost-18-month-old grabbed her leftover soup off the table and dumped it down the front of her.
Quick change. Pick up three people for church. Get to church almost on time, and then had to spank three-year-old and while doing so, found out she forgot to wear her proper undergarments to church.
Wrestled a wiggly lap-baby through the entire service.

As I sat behind our house with piles of dirty laundry around me I was angry.
I was angry and full of despair.
This is what I've been called to do?
That couldn't possibly be right.
I was called for bigger, better things.
I was called to change the world!
I was called to reach the unreached!
I was called to give the gospel!
My talents, my abilities, my knowledge are being squandered here.

My tears mingled with the dirty wash water in my bucket as the Holy Spirit began to question my racing mind...
"My Child, where is the truth in what you are thinking? Is it that you really want to do something BIG for me or for yourself? Do you feel like your life is being frittered away because your faithfulness counts for nothing, or because nobody applauds your work? Do you feel like your talents are being wasted because you can't use them, or because I'm asking you to use them in small ways? Do you really think that teaching Scripture to a handful of teachable, available ladies and children cannot make a difference, or are you annoyed at their seeming indifference?"

"What bigger, better things are you looking for? Have I not blessed you with four little souls to guide, train, teach, and inspire? Can you not reach these unreached little ones with the truth of Me? Can you not live the gospel with four disciples surrounding you daily? Can you not pour Life into these four little women so that one day they too can reach the world?"

"Can you not live out the Love that I am to your husband today? As he faces the world outside the walls of your home, as he takes the Good News to those who've never heard, as he strives to be My hands and My feet, can you not take care of the daily needs of your family so that he is free to preach the Gospel? Or do you have to be the one to do all those things? Do you have to be the one that everyone knows by name? Do you have to be the BIG thing, or are you willing to be my servant?"

So the questions were asked, and my heart was convicted.
Am I willing to serve where I've been placed?
Am I loving the least of these?
Or am I driven by a desire to be known as part of something BIG?

The truth flows through my mind as I finish rinsing out my bucket of freshly scrubbed laundry.


  1. We've all been there, Patty. I love your realness. This post reminds me of one of Bob Jones Sr.'s sayings, "For the Christian, there's no difference between the secular and the sacred." We're to do everything unto God. Especially when we have little ones, and especially when you live in a more primitive situation, there's a lot of just plain living that has to be done. It's sacred, too. As always, I loved your pictures, especially the laundry and the jar of feathers.

  2. Someone shared your post on our Mommy Board today and it spoke to me! I have talked wth my husband about this very thing lately. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Yep. I've had those convos with Him, too. I say I'm content, but then someone doesn't appreciate this or that, and the attitude comes out. Him seeing me and knowing my heart needs to be enough. I have to remember that the smallest pebbles can make the biggest ripples, and most of the time those pebbles go unnoticed...unless they are in your shoe, and then you notice them for all the wrong reasons. ;) I don't want to be the pebble in the shoe. I want to be the pebble that makes the ripple...And I want God to be the One to throw me in the His timing and in His way. If He wants me known, I will be. If not...It is enough to be used in the small ways...that is my heart and my prayer, and I hope I never forget it!