So this day marks the beginning of this thing I call my life.
To be honest, I thought I'd be more at this age...
I'm not really sure exactly what I thought I'd be more of.......just something.
But I'm not.
I feel a constant pressure to be more.....
it's in the whispering voice of pride that tells me my worth is wrapped up in what everyone thinks of me;
it's in the clamoring voices of the internet that tell me my value comes from how many people "like" me;
it's in the unending barrage of articles that tell me that I just need to change one more thing;
it's in the endless streams of photos that urge me to change my hair, my wardrobe, my food, my fingernails, and my kid's birthday party;
it's in the sinister voice of the Liar who prods me to look at every other missionary's numbers and compare.
"I need to be a better Christian."
"I need to be a better wife."
"I need to be a better mama."
"I need to be a better missionary."
He ties my thoughts and emotions into knots.
He is a thief and a liar.
And just like I would never allow a real thief and liar into my house without a fight,
I must choose to do the same with this one.
I start by speaking truth.
I'm a mama of bigs and littles.
We play and cry and make messes.
There is silverware scattered on my kitchen floor most hours of most days.
Many times supper is nutritious and hopefully tasty.
On some days, there are tears and raised voices and lazy kiddos and a frustrated mama.
Most days there are letters on my walls, and many times they are drawn there with marker or crayon.
Some days the babes get to play on the grass, and some days I don't see sunshine at all.
On many days, there are princesses running through my house leaving a huge mess of a bedroom in their wake.
There are more dirty diapers than I care to count, and a two-and-a-half year old who is still trying to get this thing called potty-training.
I don't have ten hours to read my Bible and pray every day.
There is no sustained quiet time in this house.
I'm lucky to get the babies to nap for twenty minutes at the same time so I can rush back to the school room and work a little more with the older two before I have to get lunch on the table.
This is my life right now.
This is truth.
The fact that I am not enough?
That is true, too.
And when I accept that......
what weapon does More have against me?
Lord, help me today to remember that even though I am not enough, You are. Help me to accept the forgiveness you so freely offer when I do wrong, and choose to accept your strength to do right the next time. Settle my heart in truth. Draw me near and whisper that my worth is found in You alone.
Thank you for giving me this life. Amen.