Tuesday, June 1, 2010
The Mountains I Build...
As I sit down to write today my heart and head are full. I don't often "put myself out there" on this blog, but today I am. If this is too heavy for you, I understand. But maybe, just maybe, someone else is struggling with the same things that I am. And, maybe, it'll just be a chance for someone to be reminded that missionaries are just ordinary people with ordinary struggles who serve on extraordinary God! I feel like I could write a book, but for your sakes, I won't! I'm sure you appreciate that!
Thoughts of my job have been swirling and rolling around and around in my head for weeks now. Not my job just as a missionary, but my whole job as a child of God. My job as a Christian, a missionary, a wife, a mommy, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a school teacher, a Sunday School teacher, a homemaker, a home keeper, a soulwinner, a discipler, a cook, a prayer warrior, a child trainer, a pastor's wife....and just like you, the list could go on and on!
Those who know me well will definitely tell you that I struggle with perfectionist tendencies. My husband calls it my "Martha Stewart Complex". I build up these towers of expectations for myself. No one puts these things on me but me. I am super-woman! I can do it all, and I can do it better than any other woman has ever done it! Perfectly clean house? Check! Delicious gourmet meals? Check! Superbly behaved children? Check! Dazzling Sunday School lessons? Check! Amazing homeschool lesson plans? Check! Add on top of that my missionary duties -- Perfect execution of the local language? Check! Hours spent in prayer for the people? Check! Translating the Bible? Check! The best discipleship lessons and counseling ever given? Check!
I'm a list maker. I always have been. So I draw up this gargantuan list of all the things I must do and how well I must do them. I imagine all these things coming flawlessly together. Oh, the beauty of the perfect life!
those towers that I've built, and those lists that I've made, and those day dreams that I've been having all start slipping, then sliding, then crashing down right on top of my head. And I find myself sitting underneath a pile of my broken dreams and crying and having a pity party for poor little ol' me.
Why? Because those things are sinful? No. Because I shouldn't strive to do my best? Nope again.
Why? Because those things are all about me. They are about me getting the glory and the praise that belong to Jesus my Savior. And He won't share His glory with another.
So what must I do? I must get up off the floor, push away all my plans and ideas, and ask Jesus to show me once again what He wants me to do. Ask Him what I should do or not do as His child, as a wife, as a mother, as a teacher......and the list goes on and on. And then, I ask Him to live through me so that His purpose can be fulfilled in my life.
Do I really do this all the time? No, I wish I did, but every time I get up from under the mess I've made and seek His guidance again, I come one step closer to my goal of a Christ-filled life.
And now I'm off to put these desires into actions, because I've got a bit of a mess to clean up!