Before I begin:
I am one of those people who writes to sort out my own thoughts. Maybe these ideas make sense to you, or maybe they don't. If they don't, please don't feel obligated to read, but if they do, please feel free to join me as I begin to share how God has turned my life upside down in the last few years. He has been so good to shine His loving light into the darkest recesses of my heart and mind, and maybe some of that light might spotlight a few places in your heart and mind, too. Thanks for joining me as we journey together towards Jesus.
I am by no means a patient person.
Walking fast, talking fast, moving fast....well, that is just how I am.
When I moved to East Tennessee to attend college I had people regularly stop me and ask why I was in such a hurry all the time. What was the rush?
Maybe somewhere I got the idea in my head that if I didn't hurry I'd miss out on life, so I whisked from one thing to the next.
Always getting the next thing done on the list so I could go to the next and then the next and then the next.
In all this speeding along, I also came to the erroneous conclusion that learning and knowledge, understanding and wisdom could come the same way.
Read this book.
Take this class.
Listen to this sermon.
Make this decision.
Right down the list I moved, sure that as soon as I had heard all the right things I would "get it."
But I didn't.
I felt like my mind and my heart were always in continual knots, all snarled and twisted, hoping to find some way to smooth everything out.
I kept tugging, yanking, jerking, pulling, trying to sort all these things I thought I knew into their proper places, but deep inside of me knowing that I was missing something.
The January before a milestone birthday I felt like I was at a crossroads. Was I ever going to see the growth that I had always longed for? Would I ever feel like this was "mine," that I could actually have personal fellowship with the One I called Lord? Or would I always feel like I was just missing it, that it was looming somewhere out there, just far enough out of reach that I could never quite grasp it?
My cry for ears to hear and eyes to see was one of desperation, but it was a cry.
Per the usual, though, God did not answer my prayers in the way I expected.
He didn't drop what I thought I wanted in my lap.
He showed me a way instead of giving me an answer.
The Holy Spirit began to show me that the way to true growth and loving fellowship was not about a list of do's and don'ts, in fact it wasn't about a list at all. It looked more like sitting down with my tangled sewing basket, pulling out the tumbled mass of threads, and starting to unravel them one by one. Patient, purposeful tearing apart of what I thought to be true was what I really needed.
He began to show me that my years of being an answer-getter was getting me nowhere.
I am to seek a Person.
My way of rushing to the next thing was only hurrying me away from Him.
He is in no hurry.
My habits of speed and efficiency were just boons to my pride.
He asked for humility.
Rather than me doing my best to make a spiritual life for myself, He asked me to trust His way and leave the weaving up to Him.